How Far
by SMS13
Summary: A short one part fic. Carter's thoughts as he walked away.


Author's Notes:: A random fic. I got really bored so this is about it. Somewhere around the end of season nine, when Carter leaves Abby and she screams for him to stay and talk to her. The song is "_How Far_" by Martinna McBride

I know I'm doing the right thing. There's nothing left here for me. My only family is gone, my love has slowly blown away in the wind, I keep on giving and giving, and I get nothing in return. I can't feel alive anymore. Death looked me straight in the eyes, and somehow I survived. I'm a changed man, a different person. Everything here is a mystery, the people I've seen every day for years are all but strangers to me. I feel like an alien in my own home, the resounding echo of my feet the only noise in the enormous house. I need to get away from it all, I was there, I saw the changes and the pain. Everything here is so superficial. No one gives a damn about each other, needless death and destruction run free. I'm sick of it. I can't deal with it.   
  
_There's a boat, I could sail away  
  
There's the sky, I could catch a plane  
  
There's a train, there's the tracks  
  
I could leave and I could choose to not come back  
  
Oh, never come back_  
  
My feet keep on moving. Her voice looms in the air. I can't deal with her anymore. I gave her everything I was and more. I would have married her, loved her, spent every night beside her. I just don't think she wanted it. She wanted to push me away, she's given up as much as I have. We can't talk, we can't listen, we can't feel each other. I have this deep, permanent scar etched across my heart because of her. I misjudged her. She was too much for me to handle. Yet the struggle wasn't supposed to be one sided. I gave and I never got anything back. She would never tell me what she was thinking, although I could almost feel it. Her pain was my pain. Her tears were my tears.   
  
_There you are, giving up the fight  
  
Here I am begging you to try  
  
Talk to me, let me in  
  
But you just put your wall back up again  
  
Oh, when's it gonna end_  
  
She's more than I need, or will ever need. She's touched me and changed me in so many ways, but I can't be with her. It's too complex, a maze with no way out. We've got too much baggage, we'd sink the Titanic if we were given the opportunity. Ideas and thoughts change. At the beginning I thought I could fix her, make her better, make her live her life the way she wants. She only pushed me away. Sometimes I wonder if she would be happier without me. I know what I have to do. As much as my heart breaks, I love her. I don't think that I will ever stop loving her. She was the sunshine in my life for so long, then that sunshine turned to rain. I needed the rain as well, I need to grow and change.   
  
_How far do I have to go to make you understand  
  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't  
  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
  
So I'm gonna walk away  
  
And it's up to you to say how far_  
  
Her voice echoes in my head. Please, I'm begging you. Stay here! Talk to me! It's too late for talking. Timing always was our problem. It still is. I can't deal with this anymore. I wish I could tell her face to face, but I doubt I could do it then. I know I would give in. She would remain emotionless, her face as still as a statue. She refuses to let anyone in, a brick wall with a lock. So maybe she had good reason to. Anyone she ever lets in breaks her heart, just like I am about to do. We'd never work out. We're too different. I still get that crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of her. My eyes are beginning to water, the rain pelting down on my shoulders. I'm doing the right thing. She didn't want this. She doesn't want me. She doesn't love me. I'm nothing but a comfort zone, a friend.   
  
_There's a chance I could change my mind  
  
But I won't, not till you decide  
  
What you want, what you need  
  
Do you even care if I stay or leave  
  
Oh, what's it gonna be_  
  
How far would we have gone like this? Days? Months? Years? Would she ever listen to me, let me in? I'd do anything for her, give her the stars, moon, and sun. She could have been the happiest woman alive, if she only let me take part of her burden. I would have taken it from her and made it my own. We could have spread out the weight, evened things out. Instead she took it upon her fragile shoulders, in an attempt to balance everything. I know she cried. She cried at night when she thought I was asleep. She cried in the middle of the night with the water running so I wouldn't hear her. I didn't need to hear her. I felt her. Now it's all gone. I feel nothing but pain. Walking away was the best thing I could do for both of us. She needs to move on. She doesn't want me around. I'm nothing to her. I've given up. The worst thing I can probably ever say or do, but I've given up. I'm not going to try anymore, there's no point, we're going nowhere fast.   
  
_How far do I have to go to make you understand  
  
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't   
  
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are  
  
So I'm gonna walk away  
  
And it's up to you to say how far_  
  
I can't give her everything she wants. I have no clue what she wants at all. I'm done pretending that it doesn't bother me that I never get anything from her. I needed her, she knew that, but she was too wrapped up in her own family. All I needed was five minutes, five minutes to let me know she cared. I didn't want a big speech, or a kiss, or a hug. I wanted her there, holding my hand, a simple gesture. A few words that would somehow let me pull through. I got none of it. I had her walking away from me. I asked her to. I wish she hadn't gone. Maybe I'm the one that is screwed up. I don't know anymore. I'm certain that I need to get out of this city. Nothing feels right. I can't keep living with the way things are. The only solution I can think of is walking away. I just walked away from her and she let me go. 


End file.
